| donnaf "A Soldier's Mom" |
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Reply with quote | #1 |
Hello to all. I have noticed that when certain people get a life threatening disease or something happens in their life, they change. When my sister broke her legs and was wheelchair bound, I cared for her and even tho she was the nicest person before that, she became a fearful monster. After she was rehabilitated, she became the nicest person again.
When my DH was dx'd with cancer, he became unbearable for a time. (Thats really an understatement), but he got over it.
When my stepfather died, my mom suddenly became dependent on everyone, including me. We're working on that.
When I lost so many in such a short time, I also changed. I feel like I became stronger, more accepting and compassionate. (however I do have my moments)
Have you changed? Has it been for the better or worse?
Just wondering
donnaf
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| ESQ |
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Reply with quote | #2 |
Hi donnaf:
I think we all change based upon our life experiences, nothing ever stays the same. Change and adapting to those changes is part of being alive. We can be survivors and adapt well to the change or not adapt well and become frozen and resentful. I have seen it both ways in my family. My grandmother was a survivor, widowed at 20 in the great influenza of 1918, who lived until her late 90s. She was a happy, positive loving person. mother on the other hand has been just the opposite of my grandmother.
I made the decision long ago to hopefully be like my grandmother. I try to do my best in dealing with the mess that I have been handed, but there is a whole lot more to life than that. I try to focus on the positive and simply do what I need to do. Part of this is self preservation too. By adapting and coping and moving forward, stress can be relieved and our health and sanity hopefully preserved.
I also think that in your sister's case, the injury, pain and/or medication may have caused the temporary change in her behavior since she went back to being the sister you know and love.
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| Mary E. |
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Reply with quote | #3 |
Hi Donna,
I don't know about myself changing - it's hard to be objective about one's self. But I know that my mother has changed a few times over the years.
She has always been a dynamic person - treasuring her independence and refusal to be told what to do. When she and my father first moved in next door to us, she was still working and traveling. She was keeping within her normal personality bounds in those days.
When my father developed Vascular Dementia after strokes, however, she changed drastically and aquired a feeling of entitlement of my time and my husband's time.. For some reason, since she had lost her husband "as he had been" - she felt that she was owed.. I didn't even recognize what was going on in those days - I was just doing my best and trying to not be angry. If I had had this support group in those days I would have realized it was all very unfair.. I think that she really felt that she owned MY life..
And after my father died, her personality changed even more drastically. It became a desperate yearning to have others surround her, do what she felt would make her happy. To do anything other than what she wished would cause her anxiety - and then she'd be sick and I would have to solve that - so I was being led around by a leash. I always told her that she had a queen mentality.. Her demands at one point even caused my husband, who had been so good to her, to back away emotionally - because he felt she was being so manipulative..
But these days, I think she has finally accepted her aging and lack of independence. She doesn't fight it any longer. From a retrospective point of view, I think that her agitation and demanding ways were from a feeling of loss of control in her life. Things were happening - my Dad's serious illness, her loss of ability to drive, her falls and broken bones - which made her (when she had always treasured her power) suddenly feel loss of power. And the way to try to recapture feeling of power over your own life - is to exert power over others..
Anyway, these days, although difficult, because she is so frail, are more enjoyable, because she is more grateful, and less controlling..
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