| Dee |
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Reply with quote | #16 |
I'm not sure how to put this, but here goes. It sounds to me like your brother has to know how difficult it is for your mom and that she is working herself to death. Maybe that is what he has in mind. Maybe he's speeding up the process by being purposely neglectful of their needs. I think this because you said your mom is fine with your idea, but he tells you she's really not but you musn't say anything about this to her. He's trying to hide his lies.
I hope I'm wrong, the only way to be sure would be to ask your mom if she said anything to him, or if she really feels like you're "taking over".
All I can add is that your brother is a real piece of work (feel free to replace the word work with something more suitable). If he really cared about your mom's well being, he would be doing more to support you. Thank goodness your parents have you looking out for them. I feel for you down the road though, because when they pass, you may be in for one heck of a fight for what is rightfully yours. Be prepared and remain strong.
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| | | Popandme |
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Reply with quote | #17 |
Why is it the holidays become so messed up during a time that should be enjoyed even more than before? I believe that those who are the constant caregiver has to manage their own lives and the people they care for. Goodwillgal, I find your approach to the holidays thoughtful, caring and "safe" (especially for your mom who absolutely could use a break).
My sibs and I are a mess and I lost my dad in June...it was a mess before and now still a mess after and I think it's going to stay that way. Those sibs that do very little always, always judge from afar...it's a daily struggle for me to quiet the little voice in my head that still asks why?
Stick to your plan, it works, it make sense especially the quality time issue. Any leftovers of "husband sauce" can be sent to me  ....
Hange in there
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| | | pq |
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Reply with quote | #18 |
Oh gosh, thank you so much, everyone for your responses. I spent all day yesterday in a fury, went home, tried to walk it off, and ended up digging in the garden until it got too dark to see; gardening seems to be the only thing that really clears my head.
A little more background on my brother and our family: as I said before, Brother is The Golden Boy, and I have come to realize a narcissist. All my life, he has been a bully to me, and a few years ago I realized that we were never going to have a normal healthy brother-sister relationship and stopped having expectations for him. When our family was together, I just let him run the show his way because things went smoother that way, and I didn't feel the need to subject myself to his sneers and condescension. Basically, I had very little to say and just let things be, because honestly, the consequences were minimal.
He has never done anything for anyone else, at least not in our family, unless there is something in it for him. To give you an idea of his "character," when my parents were in their early 70s and we were both home for Thanksgiving, the basement flooded. I was out visiting a friend, then came home to find him sitting on the sofa reading the paper while Mom and Dad were carrying buckets of water up from the basement to dump outside. Another instance: 10 years ago on vacation (!), my dad ended up having quintuple bypass surgery in Florida. We both flew down ASAP. The day of surgery, Mom and I were at the hospital all day and Brother stayed at the apartment watching TV. Fine, some people have problems being in hospitals. But after surgery was over and successful, and even when my dad was released from the hospital, Brother was on vacation, sunbathing every day, going out to lunch, never running an errand or even offering to help in any way.
Even though Brother is Golden Boy to my mother, I am closer to my parents than he is. I am the person who they trust to look after things, who they know can handle the crises when they come, etc. We've talked openly about their illnesses, what they want to happen when one of them dies, all this stuff. Even Mom has said "I know Brother cannot handle this." And I'm good with this, and want to do anything I can to make their lives easier, more comfortable, as they want their lives to be.
BUT... my brother, as Golden Boy, has always had an ability to hugely influence my mother: If he wants something, then that's what she wants, too. She can be perfectly happy with and excited about something (say, a plan for me and Husband to make two meals at Christmas), but If Brother comes along, he can change her mind and does. In this instance, he hasn't yet, but the strategy he would likely use is to talk to Mom and say something like "Why are Sis and BIL making his sauce? I like your sauce. BIL is nice, but he's taking over our Christmas. Isn't your cooking good enough?" He will play on the insecurities she already has so that he can manipulate the situtation to his liking. And then Mom will be upset because Brother is upset and now he's validated her feeling that she doesn't cook well anymore.
Someone asked earlier: What about talking on the phone or a conference call? I have tried talking to Brother, but he literally won't listen to me; he talks over me and simply declares, literally, "This is how it's going to be. So don't do (whatever)."
Does Mom play us against each other? No, I truly don't believe so. She is definitely in denial about their situation, although she has had a few beginning realizations that things can't continue this way forever. She and I used to argue about it, both of us ending up crying. But I've backed off on suggestions of moving or having in-home aides with the understanding that the price is I will be doing things when I'm there. She has accepted this and doesn't battle me (or just puts up a minor protest), and for her part she's taken some baby steps towards recognizing that they eventually may have to move to assisted living (like having a local auction house come and pick up up a bunch of furniture and stuff to sell). She'll every once in a while throw out a comment about if or when they have to move, and I just let it pass without comment or a "FINALLY!" because I think the key is that it's HER idea. As so many have said, it's the loss of control over their lives that is perhaps one of the most fearful aspects for an older person (or any person) to deal with.
Now, with my brother she presents the same "everything is great" denial, but the difference is, he validates this. "Yeah, you never have to leave this house. You can handle everything yourself. You don't need help." Or as he said in his email, it's an INSULT for anyone to imply otherwise and try to help. This is of course what she WANTS to hear. So in any discourse about their situation, guess which view wins?
Someone else said, is it worth the trouble at the holiday to make an issue of this, why not just sit back and enjoy each other? I guess that's my problem. I can't. I can't just sit on the couch and watch my frail mother working working working, wearing herself out, and not be really uncomfortable and unhappy. My brother totally can. His whole life he has sat on the couch and allowed himself to be waited on by his mother. Shoot, a few years ago he got laid off, and he and his wife moved in with my parents for several months, rent free, and did NOTHING. Our neighbor (who keeps an eye on my parents and helps them out whenever they'll allow it; sometimes family is not blood-related) finally told me she was floored that she would see my elderly parents, for instance, working in the yard, raking up leaves, and my brother sitting inside watching tv, never doing anything to help.
Oh boy, this became another long and rambling babble, didn't it? I'm sorry for the incoherence. What am I going to do now? I drafted a reply to his email, and my husband thought it sounded find. (Poor husband, now, is afraid that he's been offending my mother all this time by cooking for them when we go visit--thanks, Bro!) I'm trying to decide: send it and continue the argument, OR just ignore his email altogether, never respond as though I never got it, and proceed with the plan? I'm almost leaning to the latter, but that leaves things open for Brother to still sow the seeds of discord during the holiday. I don't want him to do anything himself, but for heaven's sake, PLEASE stop discouraging Mom from accepting my doing things. He could make things so much easier if he would just jump on the bandwagon and, for instance, say "Hey, Mom, let's go out to lunch while they're making sauce" or "Let's go shopping' or "let's do something that you never get to do because you never have time." He can still be The Golden Boy and show Mom a good time--perfect!
Okay, I have to stop now before my head explodes. Thank you again for all your responses and any responses to come. I really need to feel like I'm not the crazy one.
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| | | OhDear |
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Reply with quote | #19 |
>And especially since I got married and my husband comes for Christmas and cooks, it affects my brother because I think he thinks HE may not look as Golden, now that there's another male in the house and he actually DOES stuff.
I would work this as much as possible. Have your husband treat your mother like an Honored Parent. Have him do things for her, pull out her chair, etc but don't make it too obvious. If Brother protests, have your husband look at him like he has three heads and say, 'this is how we do things in my family', and continue whatever he is doing for your mother.
Not sure it's possible but would be interesting to have a 'family dinner' maybe in a restaurant with your parents, your husbands parents, and Brother&Wife. You and husband are helpful to parents, inlaws and brother sits like a lump of poo and does nothing. Would be good if your inlaws gave disapproving looks. The contrast might make him squirm.
If brother pulls you aside and hisses at you to make your husband stop helping your mother immediately call your husband to join the two of you and tell spouse, 'Brother wants to tell you something'. DO NOT let your brother have 'private conversations' everything he says about family dynamics should be PUBLIC.
By the way, how is he doing on the job front? Does he work hard at work or try to manipulate people there too?
With the cooking situation, instead of 'helping' ask your mother to TEACH you or husband how to make whatever is on the menu. "Whenever I make it, it never tastes as good as yours", and try to have your mother sit and WATCH YOU do it, so she can 'spot what I'm doing that doesn't make it taste like yours Mom"
I have noticed that there is no input from your Dad. I can't remember his health status, what role does he have in the family dynamics?
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| | | pq - ohdear |
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Reply with quote | #20 |
Dad: had a stroke almost 5 years ago, is paralyzed on the left side, wheelchair-bound, and completely dependent on my mother for everything. It didn't have to be that way, but they stayed in this inaccessible house and made no improvements, so he can't even brush his teeth or get a drink of water unless my mother does it for him. He and I talked openly about their situation, and he said he would be happy to move, accept help, but he wants Mom to be happy, and she is adamantly against these things. (Did I mention her lifelong, mostly untreated depression?) Last January, when my mom went for an appointment to prepare for radiation treatment (did I mention she got breast cancer last years??!!), Mom got REALLY sick (it's some strange thing she's had for years; if she bend her head backwards or the wrong way, she gets intensely sick and dizzy). The hospital people kept her for three hours because she couldn't even sit up, and wouldn't let her leave unless someone picked her up. LUckily, they managed to contact our wonderful neighbor, who brought Mom home. But Mom was still so sick she literally could not sit up. Neither of my parents will phone us kids for help, but my Dad did this time: He phoned me around 5pm that day and asked if I would come home because Mom was really sick. He was clearly upset and scared. Meanwhile, he had been in his wheelchair since 11am. At that time, my husband was out of work, and we were just squeaking by on my salary. I had used all my leave and 3 weeks of leave without pay the previous year going to my parents for various crises, and I literally could not afford to go to them this time. So I called my brother in tears. His response: Are you sure we really need to go? My boss doesn't like it when we take time off without advance notice. What does the neighbor think? It's really hard for me to do this. Calm down, you're hysterical." He kept waiting for me to to say I'd go, but my husband was next to me going "No no no no, don't cave." He finally reluctantly said he would go the next day. Meanwhile, I called the home health people in my parents' town, got someone to go over and get Dad taken care of, called the neighbor, who came and got Dad something to eat, etc.
When I called my parents the next day, Mom was better, thank goodness, but was mad that Dad had called me and "upset you kids." Then Brother got on the phone, and I asked him how things were. I will never forget this. In this low furious tone, he replied "Perfect... Everything's perfect... It was perfect before I got here... We're going to need to talk about how we handle these things in the future."
Since this event, my dad is not longer open with me about how things are at home. I think Mom gave him a big lecture about how he shouldn't upset us or call us about things, and so now everything is "Great" all the time.
Um... what was the question?
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| | | pq |
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Reply with quote | #21 |
Oh, and I forgot to add at the end of my brother's PERFECT speech: "Everything was perfect before I got here. She's doing laundry right now." |
| | | pq - popandme |
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Reply with quote | #22 |
i'm so sorry about the loss of your dad, and so sorry that the sibling issues continue to rub salt in the wound. i would gladly send you our leftover husband sauce, only we've never had any leftovers! |
| | | 2nd kathy |
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Reply with quote | #23 |
I am sorry you are going through this added stress when all you are doing is trying to help. I really believe it its totally a control issue...and you have been manipulated by this brother long enough. Continue to do what you feel is right and do not apologize for it. Your mother I believe just goes along with golden brother too, to avoid any conflict. Help your mother, Lord that's what you're supposed to be doing and why you do it...you feel she has too much on her. Be apologetic in your talk to her with things like, 'I hope you don't mind but I want to help. You are such a hard worker, I believe you should be pampered a little too'...etc. Then time to learn to stand up to brother. Do it the way you want (what makes most sense to you) and when he opens his big mouth tell him that whether or not he wants to accept it, your mother deserves a break whenever she can catch one and by goodness, she's going to have one.' Then tell him to get up off his lazy a*s and do something to help. Tell him he's not a 3 yr old anymore and your mother deserves some effort on his part as well to ease her load. and don't allow any of his excuses. He may want to justify his own laziness with excuses about what she wants but what woman doesn't want a little pampering now and then? Good luck, truly dear..you are going to need a little hardening of your soft and kind heart to learn to overcome being a mat for your brother's bulldozing antics. |
| | | sierraseven |
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Reply with quote | #24 |
" ... when my parents were in their early 70s and we were both home for Thanksgiving, the basement flooded. I was out visiting a friend, then came home to find him sitting on the sofa reading the paper while Mom and Dad were carrying buckets of water up from the basement to dump outside."
OK, that, plus his behavior when your Mom was sick ... please give me his address, I am going to get on a plane to wherever he is and SLAP THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS OUT OF HIM!
Seriously, if a character in a movie did that kind of stuff, people would say, "Oh, that's not realistic - nobody could be that much of a "grasswhole".
I just don't know WHAT to say. I like OhDear's ideas but I doubt if this jerk is going to change. |
| | | Daddy's Little Girl |
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Reply with quote | #25 |
I believe this may be the scene many of us are thinking of with regard to your brother.....like the movie, there is a very long line of your caregiver brothers and sisters standing in line ready to smack some sense into him
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y_GJkKMPHxw&feature=player_embedded
I like the idea of celebrating with her at a different date. Otherwise Christmas will just be one more guilt thing you end up doing and being miserable all the time leading up to it and all the stress of anticipation of the battle to come.
Also as others have pointed out, Mom could be the cause of some of this with triangulation - I agree with the suggestion of sitting down all together but I would have a neutral 3rd party present to document what was said - like maybe her pastor or priest. I would also bring your brother's e-mail to prove his words to you.
I share my own Mom experience below to demonstrate that although I am one of the people in line to slap your brother, I would not dismiss that your Mom may be telling him a totally different story which may be fueling the fire.
I had an experience with my own Mother that really surprised me during this care giving time. Just for background, Mom and I get along just fine and she is very sweet and loving. I had talked to her about getting someone to clean her and Dad's place once every couple of weeks. I had 2 herniated discs and I could not keep living both my life and their lives in order to keep some sort of sanitation there. The woman we hired was someone I knew and that was not only discreet and very sweet herself but also needed the money. Others had offered, but I'd heard them gossip about how dirty some peoples homes were where they did cleaning jobs and I did not want them talking about my parents to others.
She was great and did a wonderful job - even when Dad with his dementia would call her and demand that she return to the house because she had either misplaced or stolen some cleaning supplies (they were under the sink)! But for some reason Mom would come up with all these excuses for not having her back when she would call. I attributed it to my Dad with his dementia demands and Mom insisted to me that it was just that the times were not convenient. But the cleaning person told me a different story and said she thought Mom did not want her there. I firmly disagreed and told her that Mom assured me that was not the case.
She finally stopped coming and just a few months ago when getting Mom ready to move to Supportive Living, I asked again about reason she stopped letting her come clean their home - especially since she did such a good job. She told me that she felt she was judging her and she always told her how well she had cleaned a certain area and Mom said she would feel like she was telling her in that manner, what a dirty home she had. You could have KNOCKED ME OVER!!! I was literally flabbergasted! I assured my Mom that this person who I knew would NEVER do that. She was a kind hearted soul and was probably just trying to let Mom know what she was doing so Mom would know she was getting her money's worth.
I was so embarrassed and when I saw the person the next day and the first thing I did was apologize to her for not believing her when she had said all along that she thought it was my Mom who did not want her there and not my Dad which is what I had believed and what Mom had let me believe by her omission of the truth.
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| | | Jane in MA |
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Reply with quote | #26 |
Daddy's Little Girl,
Loved the YouTube video. I needed a good laugh! 
And I think this is exactly how we all feel about pq's brother right now.
I also agree 100% what you said and advised. I do think pq's mother has been triangulating andf this is the source of the tension.
pq, you need to either step back and let your mother sweat out this Christmas by herself... or you need to sit down and show her what is going on with you and your brother. Your mother may not realize she is destroying her own family. I really wonder if you and your brother will ever have a 'nice' relationship again after all of this.
If it were me, I'd just see my parents on some other day and let them have their 'dirty' little Christmas together this time.  By next year, I am sure things will have changed. Your mother is not going to be able to 'hold it together' forever.
Think about it hard. Do you really want to be the one who becomes the Caregiver? maybe this should be your brother's job since he is so good at it.
BTW- Are there any other siblings who might have observed this situation or who can help, too?
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