| Splotchy |
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Reply with quote | #16 |
I like your idea, angst. That allows me to address her need to be acknowledged and my need to not be abused again. Thank you. That helps me a lot.
Prodigal and NGA...you both are quite clever. Our moms love games, so these should be right up their alley. On a more serious note, I am reluctant to just go along along with the abuse again, just to save myself from worse abuse. From talking to my brother, I have learned that the years of offering ourselves up for abuse have taken an enormous toll on our psyches. Every time we accepted abuse, even if it was to avoid worse abuse, we sent ourselves the message that we were not worth protecting, that we were not valuable, and that our needs were not important. Over time, this continuous self-abandonment eroded our souls.
I know a lot of us had to do this in order to survive, but we have to recognize that we are never going to heal if we continue to keep offering ourselves up for abuse.
I have spent a huge amount of energy over the last 45 years just trying to survive. I now want to use that energy to actually live. I'm not sure how to do it yet, but I don't want to hand over any more precious parts of my life to a sociopath.
Can I accomplish this? I don't have a clue. I just know that I really want to heal and that the damage I keep doing to my soul and my psyche by letting myself be abused isn't working for me.
Thank you for your support, though. It truly means a lot to me.
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| Dustygirl01 |
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Reply with quote | #17 |
"Are you smarter than a sociopath". Too funny. I've often wondered what "Survivor: Narcissism Island" would be like. UGH.
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| Prodigal |
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Reply with quote | #18 |
"I have spent a huge amount of energy over the last 45 years just trying to survive. I now want to use that energy to actually live. I'm not sure how to do it yet, but I don't want to hand over any more precious parts of my life to a sociopath." - Splotchy
The other day my husband said something that really stung -- I don't think he meant it to be unkind though. He said something along the lines of that he felt my relationship with my mother had kept me from accomplishing much of what I had the potential to accomplish in life. I felt such a surge of frustration and pain when he said that. I suppose there's no way of knowing who or what I might have become without a parent using me emotionally and holding me back ... and manipulating and dumping on me like crazy, keeping me drained and guilty and unsure of myself. But most people have obstacles and hardships to overcome, don't they? Still, I feel like I've wasted a lot of energy over the past half a century just keeping mother at bay. And I know I've made far too many important life decisions as an adult vaguely based on dealing with her and her expectations. She's been at least somewhere in the back of my mind pulling strings ... always. I have allowed myself to be cowed, to live in fear and shame. Yes, I was conditioned to do so as a child, but I have let it go on far too long since I became a grown-up.
It sure sounds like you're well past the point at where I've crashed, Splotchy. Your mother's recent behavior toward your brother was so over the top that I can see why you and those doctors are thinking 'sociopath.' That's deeply frightening stuff. My mother stops short (I hope ...) of that category of behavior. I think my mother has a personality disorder that has become quite severe over the years and has been complicated by additional mental illnesses. She is dangerous, to be sure, but I know she's not nearly as dangerous as someone with no capacity for human emotion whatsoever. I don't believe my mother has a normal conscience, certainly not an overactive one like mine, but she has some semblance of feeling, even if most all of it is reserved for herself. Your mother's behavior toward your brother seems ... feral.
I admire your fire and determination, Splotchy. I sincerely hope that you are able to break your life free of this venomous tentacle. Take care. |
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| Splotchy |
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Reply with quote | #19 |
Thank you, Prodigal. I'm going to try.
Everyone does have challenges in their lives. I keep clinging to the idea that our challenges were designed to teach us something, and that once we've learned what we need to learn, we can move past them, empowered with new knowledge, to accomplish what we came into this world to do.
Otherwise it makes no sense why four little babies were born to a narcissistic man and a sociopath women, and forever sentenced to pain. I try not to keep letting my parents' legacies overwhelm me. I am sure they are/were the way they are/were because they were saddled with someone else's baggage as children, too. I just hope I can break the cycle and allow my own children to be spared of this curse.
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| Prodigal |
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Reply with quote | #20 |
"Over time, this continuous self-abandonment eroded our souls."
On my last visit to see my mother at her AL ... the visit where I let her trap me at the last minute for one of her draining rants ... I stumbled over a line I hadn't crossed in years. I was so desperate to mollify her so that I could make my escape ... that I sort of acted like I agreed with a bit of her craziness and I let a couple of poisonous remarks about much loved family members slide undisputed. I felt haunted by that later, a little sick to my stomach. It's one thing to occasionally let a crazy old woman vent her nutso thoughts. It's quite another to betray my own beliefs and the people I love. It's like every time I do that, I snuff out one more little spark inside me.
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| Prodigal |
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Reply with quote | #21 |
I was writing while you were posting last, Splotchy. At least part of my decision not to have children was being at a loss to understand how I could avoid passing on this hurtful legacy. I know I am a damaged person. I did not want to be a damaged parent, didn't think that was fair to any child I might have. I think it's a sign of your innate goodness that you are so focused on protecting your kids.
I too hope that there is some purpose, some sense to be made of what happened to and with my parents and their children. One died too young and one has never fully learned to live in all those extra years she has been given. I suppose I need to believe that some good will have come of the pain and the struggle.
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| Splotchy | |
| Sparkle |
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Reply with quote | #23 |
Splotchy: I agree so much with your thoughts on not allowing ourselves to continue to be abused. I agree also on the suggestion of just saying that your mom must be looking forward to Thanksgiving with your brother, and under no circumstances would I invite her. I can't see the need to feed her narcissistic supply either by setting yourself up for a rejection (or worse, acceptance of your invitation.)
Whatever you want is what you should do. Since she's never with you at Thanksgiving anyway, don't invite her now, even if a rejection pleases her. I thought that part of being here on this board is learning how to react differently, so do what is best for you.
Prodigal-your posts are side splitting. Thanks for the laughs. You're amazing!
Sparkle
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| Splotchy | |
| E-nuff4me |
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Reply with quote | #25 |
Hi Splotchy
Sorry you are once again in this position of trying to decide which is the worst of the two evils for your Thanksgiving festivities.
I know you are doing your best with your kids and it is the trying that they see and believe me, they see, as they don't miss a thing. Even if you mess up, they love you for trying and as for that cycle of abuse, you are breaking it just by being aware and trying to make things better.
Maybe this is the year that it's time to start your new holiday family traditions like an education holiday on the ski slopes or hiking in the Grand Canyon so there will be no invitation to anyone unless they can keep up.
Take care
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| lindi143 |
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Reply with quote | #26 |
Hi Splotchy,
I am so sorry that this is way out of line again. YOu havebeen though so much. I wish I knew how to make it stop for you. The others have more experience and advice but Iwanted you toknow I am here for you.
Hang in there and I am sending hugs.
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| Splotchy | |
