I know that Mom is not an invalid. She could not do what she does if she were. No one respects her or what she does more than I do.

But on a good day she works 18 hours as a full-time caregiver to Dad, which is a huge job in itself, all the while trying to keep up with the house and yard and dog and everything else. When Dad has one of his frequent bad bowel issues, she's pretty much working around the clock. She never has a day off.

This would be an enormous challenge to a younger and healthier person. Mom is 81 years old, with diabetes, depression, high blood pressure, and high cholesterol, which put her at a high risk of stroke or heart attack. Her vision is very poor, and she is at great risk for falls. There's no way for her to EVER get caught up, to get the house clean and sanitary, and she hates that. Yet she won't allow outside help to come in because she thinks it is her duty to take care of everything herself as long as she is physically able to drag herself around.

The ONLY respite she gets is if one of us visits and helps. Does she protest? YES. But if you just go ahead and refuse to argue about it, she's ultimately relieved and grateful. A year or more ago, she and I had our last discussion about this subject, and I basically said that, if she wasn't going to let aides or cleaners come in to help, that she should just expect me to do things around the house when I come, and I wasn't going to argue about it. So I do, and she gets a little respite. She'll stillsometimes protest a little , but the job is usually done by the time she's done, and then we get to spend time together, which is what she most wants when any of us are there.

When I talked to Mom the other night, she was very enthusiastic about our bringing the sauce (which is already made and frozen from the last time we made a batch), as I've told her about it many times and she's said she'd like to try it ("I love meatballs!"). She will still be making all the Christmas dinner and I'm sure all kinds of cakes and cookies. Knowing her, she will also make a ham or something as well, but if she's tired or Dad's sick or any other of a number of unexpected events occur, she won't have to.

She has always critical of her own cooking, but she has got less confident about it recently. Her stovetop barely works, her oven is iffy, and she doesn't see so well, and that all affects her abilities in the kitchen. We always tell her we love her cooking (and we do). Does she sometime squirm when we're cooking in her house? Yes, because she finds it hard to sit by and watch other people work. But she's getting used to it and enjoys it, and is GETTING A MOMENT OF REST, which she desperately needs.

The house is dirty and in some cases unsanitary. Mom can't see well enough to clean very well any more. When she cooks, she often spills raw eggs and raw meat juices on other utensils or on clean dishes in the drying rack. That's unhealthy. That is why I clean up the kitchen as best I can and the bathroom that time. At least for a short time, I know they have a sanitary cooking area or a sanitary bathroom. She did ask me, and I agreed, that I won't clean the bathroom during the holidays, but I will clean the kitchen when we work in there for health reasons.

I am asking you to be supportive of me here. It doesn't help when you reinforce to her the idea that no one else should lift a finger in her house but her. You have a huge influence over Mom's feelings: If you were supportive, she would be much more comfortable with accepting help. But when you act uncomfortable with it, she becomes uncomfortable and feels she must do everything herself.

Helping is not taking over. And no matter how much I or you or BIL or SIL do, Mom will STILL run herself ragged with Christmas dinner, decorating, and presents. But this is a family holiday, and it's entirely appropriate for anyone in the family to contribute. That's what families do.