| pq |
|
|
Reply with quote | #1 |
I have literally had to leave work, this has me so sick and upset. I replied to him, "You win. You can have your roast beef on Christmas Eve. We will not cook anything else. We will not clean anything." He replied, "Clueless...." the events he describes are from 4 years ago, the first Christmas after Dad had his stroke. And we have NEVER criticized her food, her stories, ANYTHING.
BTW, the bit about the dogs: we got a beagle puppy last spring and have brought him with us twice to visit my parents at Mom's request. We also tried to convince her to NOT kennel her dog (a crazy little schnauzer who's not socialized), but she insisted.
I now actively am dreading Christmas and don't even want to go. I can't take this.
==========================================
you DO NOT GET IT clearly....and I've tried to be as nice as possible with a delicate issue...now I am pissed....don't you DARE tell me "what families do"...what families do is NOT INSULT THEIR PARENTS!!!!
This IS NOT MY OPINION....this is from MOM DIRECTLY!!!!
I have NEVER seen her more defeated and hurt than when you two were cleaning her house....she simply sat in her chair and stared straight ahead....very depressed....and told us she wished you both would just go out and shop/be with friends .....and that you likely were "going to paint the house next"....then CALLED us when we were out shopping to tell us again how upset she was...
Your first Christmas with your new husband....spent cleaning her house!!!! And now, she has to know that you both (I'm sure) have told HIS family how unsanitary her home is...how humiliating!!!
And THEN, you freak out when Mom leave Dad on the toilet inadvertently.....implying her mind is going and that they have to get out of their house.......four Christmases later, and they are still OK.....It is a VERY GOOD THING I was asleep and we not told about this until we were safely out of town on the road to see Nana, or you would have seen fireworks from me!!
And I AM NOT SAYING DON'T LIFT A FINGER.....BUT YOU ARE NOT.....
REPEAT...NOT TO PRE-CLEAN HER KITCHEN....PERIOD.....UNLESS YOU DO IT EXTREMELY DISCREETLY...AND IF THAT DOES NOT MEET YOUR STANDARDS, DON'T COOK ANYTHING!!!!
Analogy: You invite SIL and I to your new house....and we declare WE are making most of the meals....and THEN proceed to scrub down your kitchen (very theatrically taking out all of the appliances, putting them on the floor)...would you be insulted? Then, we proceed to clean your bathrooms!!
WTF would you think about that?????
Mom has said directly she does not cook for you two because she feels you both do not like her cooking...but she does cook for us happily, because we praise her (sincerely). As far as she's concerned with you guys, her coffee is not good enough...her pork chops are not good enough.....her stories are not good enough..among other things......this is from her mouth, not mine...
Again, I know you mean well at the core...but a lot of this seem a bit ego-driven....putting on a show for all our benefits....
Final thought...Mom LOVES her dog.....and he is getting older......and while she certainly was pleased to see your new dog, twice is plenty.....ANDY SHOULD NOT BE PUT IN THE KENNEL AGAIN AT HIS AGE (he'll probably have to go for emergencies anyway), IT IS EXTREMELHY TRAUMATIC FOR HIM AND HE IS NOT IN THE BEST OF HEALTH.
We LOVE Andy too...and Mom has called him her "best friend" and he is the family dog...so for your next non-Christmas visit, how about coming just for the sake of seeing your parents and leave your dog behind.....
I am finished...and DO NOT want to keep going back and forth on this, so please skip the reply.....if you want to call later, please do....but PLEASE make your Roast Beef on Christmas Eve......Mom may have seemed enthusiastic....but she is not....
|
| |
| OhDear |
|
|
Reply with quote | #2 |
Your mother, you and your pompous ass brother need to sit down TOGETHER and hash this out. There's always SOMEONE being left out of the discussion, and of the two people having the discussion someone is always putting words in the absent person's mouth. Suggest your have your husband around too, might make brother slightly more in touch with reality.
Your mother's kitchen is full of bacteria, yours is not.
PS your brother is VERY PLEASED with himself isn't he??? ;-p
PPS One Shovel or Two upside the head?
|
| |
| OhDear |
|
|
Reply with quote | #3 |
>putting on a show?????????????????
Good grief you are cleaning because the place is DIRTY. If it didn't need to be done you wouldn't be doing it.
|
| |
| OhDear |
|
|
Reply with quote | #4 |
Maybe print out his email and send it to your mother so she can see how he twists reality and how he treats his sister who is TRYING to help her MOTHER!!!
She may not have any idea how vicious and nasty and mean he is when he's on a roll.
|
| |
| lindi143 |
|
|
Reply with quote | #5 |
wow, I am so sorry this happened toyou. You did what needed to me done.
You did not deserve this tirade at all. Hugs to you.
|
| |
| Lylania |
|
|
Reply with quote | #6 |
What a horrible situation you find yourself in but yet not to uncommon when it comes to dealing with elders and the family.
Here's what I would do, take myself out of the situation. Since he has made it so clear that you are upsetting your mother with your cooking and cleaning (and I know you mean the best by doing it) don't do it. I would kindly explain that what he says is for the best and that you will not be doing any cooking and cleaning while you are there since it is upsetting your mother and that you will kindly wait for him and his wife to arrive and that your mother will be doing all the cooking since this is what she prefers (I'm sure it is not but if this is what he wants then this is what he will get). Let him and your mother decide what will be served that night of his arrival.
As hard as it is to stay out of it stay out of it. As hard as it will be sit there and not help your mother, don't. Offer to help take care of dad instead. If that is already a sticky situation do nothing but what your brother does, nothing. Really do nothing. Maybe your brother will finally see that you do a lot to help and by doing nothing see how over worked your mother is. I doubt it but take the guilt away from yourself for once and leave it with your brother.
|
| |
| billie jo |
|
|
Reply with quote | #7 |
i'm sorry this a$$ has made you sick and ruined your christmas spirit. what he is not getting in his analogy is the fact that she is 81 and has health issues, he and his wife are not 81. big difference when it comes to helping someone out! four years is a lifetime under this kind of load, ask anyone of us who are much younger. i wish you could take your mom on a short vacation and let brother handle all her duties for a few days. sometimes reality is better than a shovel to the head, but that is a good alternative! please consider the source. even with advanced medicine, it is hard to transplant a brain into a butt. vent here whenever you need. we are here. |
| |
| billie jo |
|
|
Reply with quote | #8 |
i am also surprised that sil hasn't quieted him down a bit. you would think she would appreciate knowing her dinner was being prepared in a clean enviroment! |
| |
| Julia B. |
|
|
Reply with quote | #9 |
Sorry, but what an ASS!! I agree with BJ...Hugs to you, pq..I wish I could help you in some way..
|
| |
| Jane in MA |
|
|
Reply with quote | #10 |
Here is what I would do.
I'd spend Christmas eve with your parents. No dinner. Bring a dessert. Spend a couple of hours. Wish them a merry christmas and leave. Be nice and act like nothing is wrong. Then I would spend Christamas day with my DH's family.. or even better yet.. alone with my own immediate family with a nice fire in the fireplace, and just chill out, with no confrontational, back stabbing sibling stress.
Let the rest of the family eat together. Let your mom cook herself into a frazzle. (That is her wish after all). Maybe they will see that your bit of help in the past might have made things better. And I hope your bro gets the piece of undercooked turkey and the dirty fork 
Personally, it sounds like your mother has got her panties in a twist and has talked about your 'unwanted help' to your brother, getting him all riled up. I hate to say it, but she may have an ego problem, too, which your brother inherited. She can't stand to have anyone 'butt' in, even when they are doing it out of love and good intentions. This often happens with elders who are araid to relenquish any of their responsibilites, even when they are falling apart badly.
So?... what are you doing for Thanksgiving??
|
| |
| billie jo |
|
|
Reply with quote | #11 |
since mom's eyesight is getting bad, i hope your brother gets served the turkey tail. seems appropriate! |
| |
| NGA |
|
|
Reply with quote | #12 |
PQ,
Thank you for posting your brother's response. He is clearly playing some sort of a game with your mother. Sorry, to say this, but your mother should be coming to your rescue. You need to think about this "hurt feelings" business. I know I mentioned a conference call as a solution and you said that your brother just yells you down, while that may be true, you need to find out what part your mother plays in this and the conference call might tell you. Really, you need to find out what your mother actually wants. Tell her she needs to call the shots, not your brother.
Who would want to eat anything that was prepared by a person who is dealing with fecal matter and/or made in a kitchen that is unsanitary?  This is not about hurting feelings, but about protecting one's health.
You really can't make a decision about this until you know what page your mother is on. Disregard your brother and focus on your mother.
It took me decades to figure out that my mother played me against my siblings to get her needs met, while this may not be true in your case, please consider the possibility.
|
| |
| 2nd kathy |
|
|
Reply with quote | #13 |
I'm so sorry honey! I'm with Jane and actually that's more than I myself would do. I think you ought to read the messages to mom, read them because if she starts, she'll put them down as soon as she realizes what it is and then tell her that you love her and are sorry if you have caused her any problems by your attempts to help her and since your brother is adamant that your help is not wanted (notice you did not say her), you will not be coming for the holidays. You will come another time to drop in to give her her present and only briefly and that you hope she and your brother have a pleasant time.
I personally, regardless of my love for my parents would not subject myself to this kind of jerk of a brother.
|
| |
| donnaf "A Soldier's Mom" |
|
|
Reply with quote | #14 |
So sorry pq, Could just patronized him and do whatever you want anyway. Then just ignore his remarks to you and your DH. Just tell Mom, this is what I want to do FOR YOU. Since you live so far away, its the least you can do to make yourself feel better about helping out.
He's pushing your buttons and doing a very good job, but turn it around on him. Be yourself. Don't put on airs for him. He's a jerk.
I have a step bro that I was raised with that sees my mom about once every 2 yrs. Waltzes in and tells everyone that they need to help more. Yea Right.
My mom is only 75 and still does her own house/yard work, so as long as she can do it, we'll let her. No one can do it as well as her, according to her. So be it. She does complain that no one wants to help her. I wonder why.
I do not live close to my mom. 800 miles is just not close enough to run over and help. My son (who has a family and job) does live next door to her and does help her when he can.
Best wishes for happier times ahead.
|
| |
| Lizzie42 |
|
|
Reply with quote | #15 |
Yup. Me, too. If I received a letter like that from my brother, telling me how much my mother resented me and my efforts at her house, I'd send it to her, and then let her explain. Either brother is lying outright, or mom isn't coming clean (pardon the pun) about what she really wants. In either case, I'd be so pixxed at brother, I'd be completely avoiding him for several holidays in the future, and I'd let my mother know why. Mom's ego may be hurt by needing your help, but she's not helping the family dynamic by talking about you to brother behind your back, if indeed that's what she's doing.
I know you're hurt, and I'm so so sorry for that. You always have the option of just doing what brother wants and keeping the peace, but if it was me, I'd have mom on the phone in a heartbeat. She needs to be the one to tell you that she doesn't like your plans and doesn't want your help "getting ready for company".
Meantime, chin up, chest out, soldier on.
|
| |
