jlt, i'm sorry for what you are going through right now. the first year anniversary is very hard. i just went through it. my mom passed a year ago jan. and my dad passed on the same day eight years earlier. dad died of cancer, mom of pulmonary fibrosis [we found out the day before she passed that she had cancer throughout her body.] the anniversay of their passing was one i dreaded all year. it WAS like it had just happened. i was as sad then as i had been the day they passed. so many memories, good and bad, the happiness, the sickenss, the pain. we got all the sibs together and named it our annual mom and dad day [MAD DAY]. we used the get together to laugh, share memories, we shed a few tears, sorted through all of the pictures and divided them between us. when i am alone i still break into tears at the oddest times. there are still times i will pick up the phone to share some exciting news with mom, only to be stopped short when it hits me that she is not there. i look at my son and know how proud they both were of him and they will not see him graduate this year. they will not see their first grandchild go to college. yes, i think i will cry for a long time to come, when there is a milestone in the family, when something is just so funny, [our family liked to laugh] and for just no reason! sometimes i think i will get used to it but there is a hole that others just won't be able to fill. your dad was your best friend. he was also your dad. that's a combination no one will be able to replace. it's ok to be sad and to still grieve. our parents suffered with some very unforgiving illnesses and although it is good that their suffering has ended the loss to us is great. follow your heart, if it needs to grieve then to with it. remember the good times though and treasure them forever. those memories will open your heart to healing. they are our legacy. i'm sorry if this is rambling or if it turned into a ME reply, but i just want you to know that grieving is the rotten consequence we pay for loving. take care and follow your heart. it does get better but it will never be gone. it is a part of our lives, a part of us and we can't just erase it.