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Reply with quote  #31 
First time here.
Great informative posts.
Guess I'm supposed to know what "al" and "nh" stand for,
or.... click on the Glossary of Terms tab (which isn't there).
That's a hint to whom it may concern.
The full page of advertising for caregivers on every page I go to here doesn't seem so necessary.
That too is a hint.
If I sound bi-chy, well,
I spent Wednesday in a marathon 8 hour take-mother-to-the-doctor Nightmare
and Thursday in her clutter-ridden home washing dishes for 3 1/2 hours.
Reply with quote  #32 
Hi jennifer, AL stands for assisted living. NH stands for nursing home. The ads are necessary to pay for this support board -- our host is not a billionaire and this is the simplest least intrusive way he can afford to provide this valuable resource to us. (Just so you know, he asked all the current participants on the board before he added advertising and we all gave him our complete support.)

Ah, the marathon doctor run! I am making one next week myself. Ugh. Enough to put anyone in a bad mood, I know. You have my sympathy. And the dishes! Sounds like you could have used a restaurant crew!!

Reply with quote  #33 
Oh -- one more thing about abbreviations with which you are unfamiliar. I have found "" to be most helpful at times.

Reply with quote  #34 

I learned a a valuable lesson today.  We need to take care of ourselves physically and mentally to be in the best shape possible to protect ourselves when dealing with difficult elders.  If we do not protect our ownselves from the onslaught by guarding our own precious health, no one else will.

Reply with quote  #35 
I contacted this group a year ago.  Talked to someone local who was awesome but never pursued it.  At that time I was taking care of my mom & my horrible dad.  my mom passed away 2 weeks ago.  I'm not doing well.  My dad is doing much better ironically.  At the memorial for my mom he made it all about him - wearing his war cap & just telling stories.  He didn't care his wife passed..   
 I now have to deal with him on a daily basis & I seriously don't like it.   I do have people coming in every so often to work with him or bathe him.  I'm not interested in sticking around to be honest.  He is not a nice person/

Reply with quote  #36 

I'm so so sorry about the loss of your mom.  Sending you warm thought and hugs.  Please take care of yourself.

Reply with quote  #37 

. . . new 2. great postings. Jennifer's is histerical and i need every laugh i can get.  Carie.  I'm soooo very sorry 4 u're loss. I've been going crazy and soo upset @ my mom 4 not caring 4 herself; but trying 2 remain thankful she's still here (albeit on life support).  i really wish you peace.  Grief is the worst.  You will make it through this time, and come out stronger.  I'm new; so my advice is not the best.  I would imagine good cries in the shower followed by a guilty pleasure of some kind will be necessary. . ..keeping contact with positive support and taking care of yourself. 

Reply with quote  #38 

Take time for yourself and never do anything concerning the elder that you do not feel right about doing.  Allow yourself time to deal with all the changes and losses.  Do not let grief or guilt cause you to make decisions that can hurt you now or later.  Defensive care taking means self preservation.

Reply with quote  #39 
Bravo, ESQ! Caregivers need to beware of those crisis/sick bed/death bed "promises" that can wreck their own futures.

Reply with quote  #40 
. . . speaking of "promises"; i did a POA, constant hospital trips, trying 2 call IRS, credit card companies, utilities, banks, lawyers, morgage co., medicaid, DMV, etc. 
but there is a line right? do i try and keep mom's huge old delapidated house? she never took care of it b4; will she if and when she gets out of hospital and nh and off vent.  The morgage is ridiculous.  But her credit is shot; so where will she be approved 2 live after nh. And now; her tenants refuse 2 pay rent saying they visited her in the hospital and she agreed with them (she probably also agreed on giving them purple unicorns).  Do I go there w/ police or wait 4 lawyers to draw up a letter that would just piss them off (knowing they could vandalize). I don't want anything 2 come back on me; but the lawyers haven't gotten back to me and god knows what's going on over there.  They had no lease before she went in the hospital and now she's on life support.  (They may have got her 2 make an x on some blank page this past Sat and filled it in when they got home.  I am afraid if I call the police to escort them out; they would present this.  I know whatever they have would not b valid; they have no notarized forms, no lawyers, no money.  and I don't think an agreement with someone in her position would hold up in court.--but i don't want the police to let them stay; and then they ruin the place 2 get even.)  I feel bad evicting people with cute dogs in the middle of winter with no notice. But i told them the situation over a month ago.  I don't want to live there until they get a new place just to watch over her possessions.  I can't.  She's obviously not working any longer, that means no income, i'm can't pay her morgage and I won't pay their rent. (they were supposed 2 pay week 2 week). 3 young 20 something's. kept giving us excuses after excuses. "your mom would let us slide, I need 2 cash a check, I'm waiting on a loan". Now that i see this in writing; i think i know my answer; I just wanted imput or advice. . . 

Reply with quote  #41 
Originally Posted by Kim D

Good suggestions esq, your not kidding about police and APS not being your friend.....they're not friends for the elderly either I have found to often on cases when I called them .  APS just shows up and checks basic human needs ( food in frig, utilities running, roof over their head )there could be bugs running around, family stealing narcs, gross neglect and they don't do nothing but maybe that's Detroit wonderful service for ya.  Don't get me going on the police and EMS, you could be dead by the time they show up.

Reply with quote  #42 
Thanks for your responses, Prodigal, ESQ, Q...

I haven't seen my mom lately.
She's just so impossible.
It's like she won't let me help her, except on her terms, which are all upside down.  What she considers priorities..
I can't even go into it; it's so....depressing.

Then I read your situations, and they're bad too.
What is wrong with these people?

I see a lot about dementia and paranoia.
My mother seems to have had that since she was, like, 30.

Hang in there.

Reply with quote  #43 

Insurance coverage and budgets are important topics on the boards today.  Check your policies and the elders to know what is and what isn't covered.  If you have questions, make calls.  Call the broker, call the insurance company, call your state's insurance commissioner for info.  Find out what is covered and not before you need to file a claim.  Get more coverage if you need it and it is available and affordable.  Know what things cost, be it a co-payment or an uninsured need.  Set a budget and try to keep it.  anticipate future needs to try to be prepared.

Reply with quote  #44 


Taking care of the elderly, or any sick person is a sacrifice, especially if you have a family or emotional connection.

I will tell you like my uncle told me recently.  You are doing a good thing and God will reward you, but do not expect any reward 'in this life'.  Expect harassment from family members who think  you do not 'deserve' what was left to you.

In my case, family members are not resentful per se of what mom left me, but for what my aunt did after my mom died as the result of (what she says) has been my dedication to my parents and grandma for years.

She gave me a house.  My sister is jealous now and have began a series of events to which I think is leading up to her trying to have someone do something to me.

If something happens to me, I have left an account on my blog on this website  "should I make my parents pay me to take care of them"

All of her legal means of trying to ruin my life have failed.  She has already sent me harassing emails indicating that it will never stop,

even though I have moved out of the state and have requested that we have no further contact with each other


Derby Dawg to Pia
Reply with quote  #45 

Just sending smiles and words of encouragement. You did what mattered for your folks. I like to believe that what goes around, comes around. Your sister will get hers. At the very least, she has lost the chance to have someone loving and caring (you!) in her life. Let go of the guilt and get on with your life. Take care!

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