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ESQ Show full post »
Hang on to your job.  Easier said than done, but oh so important especially in this economy.  Caring for an eder is tiring and draining, emotionally, physically and financially.  The elder has a shorter life expectancy than you.  You will be left to fend for yourself, older with a gap in your work experience and probably dated work skills.

If you give up your job and income, how will you survive after that elder is gone, either to a nh, al or passed on?  Think about it.  You will be older, how will you live?  How will you feed yourself?  How will you keep a roof over your head?  Do not put yourself in this box.
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Forgive my ignorance, but do these measures need to be done - period, or just with combative, dementia patients?
Can it really get that bad?
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Please listen to the people on this site.

Before quitting your day job, make sure that is the "LAST" option.  And Please, do not take dementia lightly.  Dementia is hard to deal with if you have a personal attachment.

Remember that Dementia derives from the word 'demented".  People with dementia are often cruel to the people closest to them.  Its not their fault.  Its part of the disease but sometimes its hard to discern whether that person is going through a dementia spell or using it to be deliberately cruel.

If you are going to quit, make sure that everything has been taken care of in advance because your main problem will not be the person you are taking care of, but the greedy relatives who do not want to contribute, expect an equal share despite their zero contribution - and downplay the time, devotion and effort you are going to put into the care of that family member.

Sadly, after that family member has passed, expect every greedy unappreciative family members to cause even more stress and strife. 

I have no regrets to taking care of my mom and dad.  I have my grandma in a retirement home mainly because I don't want the harassment from family members.

My grandmother is not dead and yet some family members are overly concerned about her assets even though none of them have ever even made an attempt to visit her prior to nor after my moms death. 

Oh yeah, if your family members are as scandalous as mines, expect false Elder or Financial Abuse allegations.

All I am saying is cross your T's and Dot your I's
and expect the worse.

If you can deal with all of the emotional and pettiness involved, go for it.  Otherwise you should look into a nice retirement community.
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I've read over this thread several times. I am keeping a journal, have an eye on bank assets, and am keeping receipts when I pay myself back for elder care needs and expenses. I think I'm doing everything I can to protect myself and my mother.   

Yet, I'm between a rock and a hard place with a problem. The problem is DS and DIL who visit my mother weekly for going on two years now. This has grown to be a concerning situation.

While I don't know their motivation, I do know, despite my encouraging they visit or call her, they never paid any attention to mother before she moved local to me. At that time, DIL saw the nice place mother lives in, and DIL saw me with what she may have perceived as a fat banking file during the financial melt down in 2008 (mother keeps a lot of unnecessary paperwork).

Mother loves that they come. She boasts about their visits is all about how good they are and how they are there for her. They walk on water with mother when they take her to dinner weekly, give lots of physical affection and listen to her repeated stories. Then they leave.

Meanwhile, mother blames and criticizes me for everything she can't do. I'm the evil one telling her there is a stain on her blouse, helping her with paperwork, or reminding her she needs to take her medicine. I fill all the jobs from financial, to apparel purchases, to transporting for appointments. & so forth. I'm free labor as I've worked to save her every possible dollar. 

Mother hates that she can't remember or handle doing these things for herself. She angrily says I'm controlling her life and she wants out-from-under-my-thumb. She resents what I am "doing to her." She falsely accused me of taking something she can't find, and has often suggested I would run off with her money as we have a joint account.

Recently, my mother has been increasingly hostile to me. Per her doctor's order, I'm having to take pro-active steps for her safety and moving her to home that will better provide for her needs. This has been a life scaring experience as mother does not think she needs to move. She blames me for the doctor order for an AL or 24/7 supervision. She claims I put the doctor up to it.

Back to DS and DIL, I need to mention they don't return calls to me. They mostly ignore family invitations- we often do not know if they are coming or not.  Communication with them is minimal. A while back, I had left a message asking DS to call regarding mother's safety as that was needed at the time. It was ignored. Through all this, I have smiled, been welcoming to them where ever I see them and continued to invite and reach out to them.

At this point, I'm giving up on them.

I'm convinced DIL does not like me or DH. When faced with a family situation of having to be with us, she first coyly gives DH and I a cold shoulder, then acts socially nice. She puts on a good show of it. DH & I ignore her cold shoulder and act as if it did not happen.  

With that background established, fast forward to now:

I recently contacted DS to inform him of mother's deteriorating mental condition. At that time, DS told me with an air of authority that mother does not have dementia and he knows where she is at. He disputed the doctor's call on this and proceeded to quiz me on the matter. He flat out refused my request for better communication for mother's benefit. I was shocked at his outright disrespect and know-it-all superior attitude. This was an infuriating, eye-opening experience. 

As of now, I've come to see these two are very likely feeding the hostility I've been getting from mother. I also believe mother has been setting up a triangle she can play on to get her way which has magnified this problem.

In the past DS and DIL have interfered with mother in ways that left me having to pay the price for their naive, arrogant decisions. Because of this history, others in the family they do not trust this situation and are encouraging me to avoid trouble in the future with them.

But how?

Given all the above, what do I do now? I fear DIL will covertly feed every complaint and unfounded suspicion mother says about me. I think this is music to DIL's ears. I also fear she will position herself as endearing as mother's dementia worsens.   

Communication between them and myself is no longer an option. I had asked for DS's love and support with all we are going through with mother. DS made it crystal clear he does not care about that. He refused support for me and his father along with repeatedly refusing my multiple requests for better communication regarding his grandmother. His shocking attitude towards me, along with mis-information he had from mother, left me with a blood pressure rate that nearly required a 911 call. 

What does one do with a situation like this?

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What can you do?  Remember Karma.  What goes around comes around.  I cannot imagine the Krappy Karma that would come my way by manipulating a situation with someone like it sounds is happening with the DS and DIL with your mom.  You cannot "reason" with her or them obviously.  It's only going to make you look the unstable person (which I'm sure you are not).  Try to let it roll off your back.  Do what you can ethically and morally for caring or overseeing her car.  Put it in the hands of God (or the universe, or however you'd see it). 
That's what I've had to do.  Some days it works better for me than others.
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Stop asking for their love and support.  Anyone insensitive enough to limit their committment to mom to do the bare minimum is not going to have any compassion for the 24 hour seven days a week you spend looking after the affairs of and caring for mom. 

I can guarantee you that the only reason they are doing the little they are is because they don't want to feel bad when the inevitable happens, and can also say that you did not do everything.

If it goes anything like mines, after its over their participation will be boosted and elevated when they speak of what they did for mom - to people they know but do not know you...

When it is all said and done, no matter how many years of your contribution, the worse will only be getting started with the siblings.

But that too will pass..  Stay prayerful.  Enjoy your mother while you can.  Remember, your committment to her has absolutely 'nothing' to do with the others.

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If your mother has trusted  you with her care, stop consulting DS and DIL about everything.  When she moves to AL, become friendly with the social worker because this is where your advocacy is.  Also, its a concerned person who is also concerned about you as well.

Please go the the National Family Caregiver website

There is a lot of useful information their.   In historical days, as an african american especially during the days of slavery and even in underdeveloped countries; the entire family was responsible to take care of the sick and elderly.

Back in the day, three generations may have lived under the same roof.  Even in nursing homes and AL, one person is not taking on the entire responsiblity.

You and everyone who has a genuine concern and have taken a committment are the moral fiber that keeps this world spinning.  All religions teach compassion.  Sick and elderly require compassion 24 hours seven days a week.  The fact that you have taken this oath and are living  up to your committment to your mom is honorable.

Try to overlook the 'sick' mom and remember the one who nurtured you as a child and provided you with good times and memories.

Roll with that!!!!

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Point of fact:  hard drives can be seized and searched but generally only with a search warrant.  The state must she probable cause.

Chat room conversations are open with no expectation of privacy and subject to capture generally.  Pedophiles soliciting minors over the Internet are often captured by law enforcement in this manner and often with a decoy.

An admission or statements of abuse and/ or over the net could be highly incriminating.  Such a statement could involve the failure to care properly for an incompetent elder such as not providing food, medication, water and/or shelter (neglect).  Abuse could be admissions of hitting the elder.
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Thank you all so very much for your caring replies. I sincerely appreciate it.

I plan on taking your advice of trying to remember mother as she used to be, and to trust God has His hand on this situation.

I did attend a service for healing right before I saw your reply Avis. The service helped me to feel more peaceful and your reply was timely to that. I do hope I can maintain putting it in God's hands. 

I think you are right Pia, there will be the broadcast of how good they are. In fact, I've already seen DIL boast to others about herself and how good she is to visit weekly.

I will also try to remember others have noting to do with me in this. It is about doing the best I can for mother. It is just so upsetting to have one's own child act above you and think they know more. It has been hurtful.

However, it helps a lot to have read your responses. Thank you again.

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Everyone, Please click on the above link.  Millie P. Lorenz wrote a beautiful poem to me in dedication of my mother Bennie. 

I'm reflecting now.  Broken-hearted, you still have mom so please kiss her for me and tell her that Pia told you to.  Please.

I miss my mother.  People say their mothers were their best friends but sometimes; especially now, I think she probably was the only genuine friend I ever had. 

I hate to tell you people, but I am stressed out to the maximum.  I loved my mom and dad.  Its difficult moving on without them knowing that no one will love me unconditionally like that for the rest of my life.  The siblings have been very insensitive because they spent little or no time with mom and dad.  Broken hearted, at least your siblings visit.  My youngest sister was deliberately nasty towards mom. 

ESQ:  Is there a thread on here where someone hit the person in their care? I would sure like to read it. 

Thats not good.  Not everyone is able to tend to the sick and elderly.  Its very trying but if someone is making you that mad its best not to embark in caring for anyone.    You really have to humble yourself. 

KARMA.  We will all be old.  Some of us sooner than later.  Some of us are already old but just do not yet know it.  Treat your relative like you are going to want to be treated when you are in the same situation.

My mother liked pedicures.  My grandmother likes the hairdresser even though she claims that her hair looks the same when she leaves.  (most of the top is gone)

I don't know if I mentioned my grandmother got hurt at the AL and is in the hospital now.  I visit her 'every day'.  I may have to bring her home if the AL won't let her come back with a broken leg. 

For some reason, this hospital stay has really humbled her.  She is so glad to see me.  We do a lot of cuddling.   My aunts coming down and having an anniversary party next week and my grandmother wants to go.... 

She already gave me a list of things she wants.  Two dresses, two pair of black pants  (I would never get two pair of the same color pants), slips, and her usually overstock supply of sweets (smile)

My aunt won't let me let her check out the s  l  o  t  s -  says its too expensive and don't want to get her back started.  Her previous AL use to take them to play weekly.  It was getting kinda expensive for a minute.  but theres nothing like watching an old lady have fun....  I saw her in action this past October when my cousin got married.

I don't think I'm going to let my grandmother go into a nursing home if she can't go back to the AL.  She's too active to be laying in bed all day.  I really hope her leg gets better because she likes to walk around, shop, socialize, go to church.  She seems pretty anxious to get up and moving. 

When she first went in she was pretty drugged up.  She didn't even know she had a cast on.  Now, three or four days after the fact, she wants to get up and walk out of there. 

I'll sure be glad when she does. 


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New to this site! I am taking care of my 89 yr old mom; my father passed on many yrs ago. She lives in my home with me & my husband and 12 yr old daughter. I am her youngest child, but at 49yrs old I'm not exactly young. I was abused by her as a young child and treated horribly, but as I got older I decided to be a strong person and came through it and overlooked things. Even though I did not like my mother, she was always there for me and that counts for a lot! I took on the "chore" of caring for my mother, because she lived alone with no one to help or care for her. She still bathes herself and still eats; she does exceptionally well for someone of this age. She even takes most medications regularly without assistance, except her inhaler, which she cannot grasp the concept of it. She has been with us for 7 yrs now. Even though she can do these things like bathe and eat, and has the memory to take meds, she has had a childish behavior since bringing her to live with us. She is terrible to my daughter(her granddaughter) and there are incidents constantly with her. Of course, being a caretaker involves all things from being a mediator, doctor visits, to calling in medications, to taking care of wounds or conditions that arise from being elderly. She is resentful to me for doing things for her that she can no longer do, because she knows that she is losing her independence and dislikes the fact that I truly am helping to sustain her life and has asked me "why?", my response to her...because I love you Mom. When I saw that my mother needed someone to intervene in her life, no one stepped up to the plate(3 brothers, 1 sister) and offered any help at all. It was up to me to be her "savior" so to speak. She use to drive, and one of the main reasons that I stepped in, was she was telling me that she was driving on the interstate and couldn't figure out where to go and "stopped" in the middle of the interstate. Not good! So I could see she needed help. She does not drive now for 7 yrs, because I take her everywhere she needs to go. She cannot remember how to drive or operate a vehicle, but can remember to take meds. Now she is starting to not want to eat. There are incidents with "bathroom issues" and cleanliness. There are constant changes when taking care of an elderly person, and when you take care of a relative, the affect is more personal. I know that I have taken on a great task, and I have to remember that I'm doing it because I love her and want her to be in loving surroundings, not that the staff in a nh or al are kind, but it really is different. I know her mind is not what it use to be, so I have to take that into consideration and remember that. I always think to myself, I hope that if the time comes when I need "assistance", that someone(my daughter??) will be as loving and kind and patient and understanding as I am trying to be with my mother. That thought gives me the strength to get through my days, along with prayer and my husband!! I have taken on this task and will bite my tongue and ignore certain things and take care of my mother until it gets to a breaking point and I can no longer do it physically or mentally. When it gets to a point that is unhealthly for me in these areas, then it will be very difficult to make other living arrangements. But that's just it, she's still alive, until then, I will continue to assist her. Sorry for such a long post! God bless all of you!

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Go on Beebs!!!! Vent Vent Vent...

It is only tha natural way to go....

An extremely long post mean only one thing. Something is on your mind.  The goodness of your heart has taken over and despite the fact that
this person abused you - you are still willing to make sacrifices and take
care of your mother.

Now that I look at things - a person is divided into four people.

The person who is a Child

A person who is a Young adult

A person who is a parent

A person who is an elderly dependant.

Even this this is one human being and all represent that person - you really
can't hold one accountable for the others.  Things and personalities change
over the years.  It is usually the trial and error of the  person that we
were that will eventually mold us into who we become.

Now we have Mom who is 89 years old.  11 years past the life expectancy
of 78, representing someone living today in the United States.

Mom can still do a few things like take her medication but is having memory
problems.  You are at your wits end.

Good set of ingrediants for a Long posting on this website.

My 95 year old Grandmother liked Assisted Living.  Its not like a nursing
home.  More like having your own apartment. 

The interaction with others socially really does something for them.  The
exercise or activity of just going back and forth to the dining area for meals
is refreshing in itself.  They have little outings and it just gives them
something to do all the time.  They tend to be happier.  Enjoying the
rest of their lives instead of waiting to die...

I actually enjoyed visiting every other day..  An older person feels really
special when they get visits.. Especially when they can share their
visitor with their friends at the assisted living.

There were church services at one where my Grandma was at and me and
my daughter went mostly every sunday while she was there.

Most of the residents who knew here knew us as well..

It made it feel like old times when I use to travel 45 minutes by car to
visit my grandmother at her house.  She use to always have something
sweet to eat.  When she got her own room at the AL, she had a refrigerator
and microwave and we kept her loaded with snacks.

An elderly person has only two statuses.  Waiting to Die or Enjoying Life.

The determining factors of these choices are usually external - meaning the relationships they have with the people around them...

A lot of elderly don't get visits at all from their families once they go into
AL so they feel real special when a relative or friends is actively
participating in their day to day affairs.

The trick is that you have to find one they like, avoid friction during your visits.  If you have been taking care of MOM 24/7 visiting every other day
shouldn't be a problem. 

The trick is to always leave before a heated disagreement meets its apex.
I had to do that with Grandma Initially.  After a while - she never complained
and was always happy to see us...

Good Luck..

God Bless you..

Sorry about the long post....

You have to look into a good one though. 

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I miss having an elderly around.  I liked visiting the Assisted Living
places where Grandma Lived.

For 2011 I think I will 'adopt' an elderly person who lives in an AL
to be nice to.  Someone that I can visit every now and then or call often.

We will see what 2011 brings...

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Thanks for the reply pia. Maybe I can take Mom to an al to visit with others, get her acquainted and perhaps when it comes time to transition it will help.

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Oh, boy, do I wish I'd read your advice several years before my mother died when I began to see red flags in my brother and SIL's greedy behavior!  Thank you so much!  

Listen up, everyone and take heed!  This is valuable "be prepared" advice and can save you a lot of heartaches down the road.    

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