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Rosie

How many of you are having problems with your elderly fathers becoming obsessed with dirty magazines etc? My 84 year old father has a collection of hard core dirty magazines which he keeps hidden in his room. He also spends all day, every day watching the music video channels on TV with the sound off so that he can ogle the half dressed teenage girls gyrating around. I have tried getting him to go outside for walks but he says his breathing isn't good enough (he has mild emphysema). The Dad I used to adore has turned into a horrible leering, dirty old man and it makes my skin crawl to be in the same room as him. I wonder how much longer I can go on looking after him but I have my 82 year old Mum to look after also and she has cancer in the early stages. I can't leave them to fend for themselves but I can't abide my fathers new hobby. Any suggestions ? Do I take his filthy reading material and burn it and hope he doesn't buy anymore or do I do nothing? It is driving me nuts to think that my Dad has become a pervert.

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Farm Gal
Welcome, Rosie!   It sounds like you have a distressing situation to deal with in your father's behavior.  I don't really know the best way of dealing with it, but I'm sure others will come along soon to speak of their experiences.  We do have a WIDE range of collective experience here! 
 
I do know that this is apparently not uncommon in older men.  Nursing homes and other facilities for the elderly often deal with this sort of behavior.  Does your father suffer from a form of dementia?
 
Oh, just to avoid confusion, you might want to add an initial or some other identifying extension to your name on this board.  We already have one "rosie" who posts regularly.  When I first started reading your post I was a little confused before realizing we had another Rosie on board!
 
Again, welcome!  You have found a good community here to commiserate, get advice, and just plain vent when necessary! 
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2nd kathy
I have had similar problems with my dad. In fact, hospice now sends CNA's to bathe him in TEAMS because he has made them so uncomfortable with his comments. He has asked his hospice RN if his heart (End stage heart failure) is strong enough for sex (had his prostate removed numerous years ago and couldn't function sexually anymore while mom was alive). He tries to kiss everyone, including his grandaughter in law, on the lips and has been obsessed with sex up until the last 2 months or so when he's gotten so bad that they feel he won't make it 'til Christmas. He was handing out money to one particular CNA, I feel, to set her up as his girlfriend until we got her booted for accepting money.
 A friend whose sister runs a home health care agency tells me that many old men get like this, sort of a last ditch grab at life but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.
I know how you feel about one time adoring your dad and now looking at him with disgust. This is exactly how I feel. At one point I was so upset with my dad, that I in fact, told him so!
If he was in your home, you'd have more control but since he's in his own home, I guess you're limited in what you can do. Can you talk to his doctor? Perhaps he or she can come up with something.
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E
Welcome. Rosie Two -
I believe we all have problems viewing our parents as sexual beings, with the same urges that we young'uns have. I know that on the rare occasion I somehow infer or let something slip regarding sex involving myself and my husband, our 25 year old daughter's reaction is to scream eeeewww and put her fingers in her ears, etc.
Obviously, even though she knows we "do it," she doesn't want to think about her parents in that way.
The thing is, your father does have those urges. I realize that in dementia men and women often lose the inhibitions that normal people rely on to keep sex a private matter, and they become disinhibited about letting their sexual practices or obsessions out into the open - which is what your father is doing.
But all that said, is there any way you can come to terms with it and just let him look at his dirty magazines and watch the TV at will - so long as he doesn't try to involve you?
I guess what I'm asking is if it is really hurting anyone?
Again, that said, it would bug the heck out of me and I'm not implying any criticism of your being bothered by it.  I'm just suggesting that you may want to consider living with it so long as there are limitations - no getting outsiders involved, no porn out of his private bedroom, no children let into his bedroom, etc.
 
E
 
 
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If your dad has some sort of dementia, this is really pretty common... they kinda let go of the inhibitions they used to have. I was a CNA in nursing homes for about 12 years and I got used to being grabbed, hearing... umm, shall we say inappropriate comments and suggestions... and I'm sure that it's a whole lot easier when it's not your parent you're dealing with. I think the best way to deal with it is probably to try to find some way for him to do this stuff in private, as somebody else already advised (sorry can't remember who, didn't sleep well and need more coffee).
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2nd kathy

If I can expound on the fact brought up that our oldsters are still sexual beings...I don't think that that in itself would bother me. If my dad had found the second love of his life and had that kind of relationship, it would seem natural but asking if his heart is strong enough for sex when he has no prospects/relationship or pushing himself on his harmless GDIL, nurses, any female who is just nice to him because he is an old, frail man...that gets me. That he sees himself as some gorgeous gift to young women? Nope...that's not just..oh, he's still a sexual being and in Rosie 2's case...it is porn magazines and lusting...that just kind of disgusts us and totally takes away from the loving, upstanding parent we WANT to remember. I think it's a last, grab at life much like, well this will be my last trip, my last Christmas, my last chance to have some sort of sex, anything will do. I realize none of us like to think of ourselves as our real age and our minds are the same as when we were in our 20's but being able to control ourselves, want to control how we appear to those around us...well yes, sometimes it's removed by medical cause and even that's easier to handle than just the raw, grasp at others...rambling...sorry.

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Rosie Two!
My father has had his prostate removed surgically so I guess he can't act on any of his impulses. He is starting to become very vague and forgetful.
He was always such a gentleman and would never even tell dirty jokes as a younger man. He seems to have reversed his personality totally. The other worrying this is that some of his reading material is just bizarre. He has gay and trans-gender magazines as well as the normal dirty mags.

My little nephews don't like him at all and I wonder if they can sense he is not right in his head somehow? I have told my sister to never let them play in his room where they might stumble on his collection and have their innocence destroyed by his filth.

I know I should be more sympathetic and try to make allowances but most of the time all I can see is a pathetic, leering old man who is wasting what is left of his life instead of getting out and doing something more healthy and productive. He is not so ill that he couldn't take a walk in the park or do some gardening or light chores around the house. It is making my mother ill with worry to see his act like this and she has the early stages of cancer to contend with on top of all this nonsense. He prefers to read his mags than to support his wife.  I wish I could make myself love him again like I did when I was a kid but I doubt that love will ever return. So sad.
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E
Rosie Two,
It's awfully hard to love someone when their personality is so changed. It's like you're trying to love a stranger. My DD's ex-fiance was like two sides of a coin - one was the man she loved whom I felt was like a son, the other was a person I would look at and wonder to myself: "Who are you?"
I think your feelings toward your dad are quite natural, and it's pretty clear from what you've told us that he's "gone off in the head."
We can split from someone like DD's fiance, but we're stuck with the parents.
Hang in.
 
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Molly-Tx
With some people, it is not just their age.  I have a 90 year old uncle who has been that way "always".....everyone knows to stay clear of him....when he was 40 and now that he is 90.  Some things never change.

His kids never saw who he was in his 40's because he was so good at hiding it.

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Hi. Just learning through my mom that dad is watching porn and making uncomfortable comments.
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Alih48
I have just decided tonight after a visit from my dad who’s 82 that I’m no longer opening the door to him, I find him absolutely revolting!
My mum passed away almost 7 years ago, he’s always come across as a pervert, but my mum , though highly embarrassed by him, somehow reigned him in and let his behaviour go over her head. I didn’t really know him growing up he was always in bed, through laziness and not illness.
Things I do remember from my childhood are, using the bathroom after him and finding a porno mag left open on the floor or in the sink, we’re talking around 6/7 years old. When I started going out with friends in secondary school, if a friend was coming back to my house, I’d try and make enough noise as possible in the hallway and dread opening the lounge door as my dad would be watching a porno and my mum would be drunk, probably to help her get through the porno !
Now he has no boundaries, or social awareness of how to behave, he’s always telling rude jokes or behaving inappropriately towards women, for some strange reason he looks in a mirror and sees Hugo boss looking back.
Since my mum dad, he has been saying there is a brothel 3 doors away from his house (there isn’t ) !
He then goes onto repeat everything word for word that he claims he has heard being said at the non existent brothel, (he’s deaf and can’t hear anyone who’s not in the same room as him). He constantly talks about women and children being raped violently and all comment during the rapes, I’m now at the point where I just can’t stand the man anymore.
My sister and I were at his house one time and he says “ there off at the brothel, so were there straining to listen, but nothing! He the says she’s shouting “get off me”, my sister went round to the house and stood outside, me listening from my dads, nope not a thing.
My sister cane back and was furious and says you need a dr it’s all in your head ! That was 2 years ago,
He still gives very descriptive accounts of what he’s hearing and the last update this evening was disgusting, it involved paramedics being called to the brothel regarding a 9 year old girl (I won’t go into detail as it’s horrendous) but the paramedics have threatened to call the police if there ever called there again.
I tried to explain the police would be there if what your saying is true and they’d be arrested for child rape, but no, he heard it all word for word eve. Though he’s deaf.
I didn’t talk to him for 15 months, this is the 4th time I’ve seen him since talking to him again, this time I’ve really had enough !
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Anonymous
Glad I’m not alone. Thanks for all these posts. I’m full of shame and revulsion for my dad. 
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Anonymous
Dad is 77 and mom has cancer, too. Dad watches porn on home computer. Mom told him she didn't want that on her computer. Found out he was still doing it. Had an intervention conversation with the two. Mom and Dad both angry. Offered for dad to use his laptop. Said he'd stop, didn't need to do it. Hasn't stopped. Mom doesn't know it's continuing right now. It's the lying that is worse to me than the porn. Like someone else on this discussion board, he doesn't participate in life. Sits on computer and plays cards and other games (around porn), moves to living room and watches cop shows, and the cycle continues. Sad.
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Vahar
This is bcoz of internet which is spoiling any aged person
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