Hi Joanna,Now at the assisted living, she is completely incontinent. They have her wearing pull-up Depends (adult diapers). It is all she has available to her, and it is what she has to wear. They help her change them at least - at LEAST - 4 times a day.If not more often.
I know exactly where you are coming from. My mom never lived with me, but she became incontinent at her home, was urinating all over everything and refused to admit it. She was in complete denial. She was hanging her underwear all over the place, to dry out, and yet, she would never admit she was incontinent.
I bought her those bladder pads, because she was actually putting on regular pads becuase she was having some bleeding (cancer). So, I thought, she would put on the thicker pads and that would help with the incontinence. Nope, she wanted nothing to do with them! A thin pad was fine !
I think her sense of smell was gone at that point in time too.
Also, yes, dementia was coming into play.
She never shouted at me or got mad at me, but she was just really really firm and convinced that she was NOT incontinent!
Nothing would convince her.
AT her home, I would have never been able to get her to wear the adult diapers. She would either forget, or refuse. I did not even try. Or, she would probably try to wear the same one for days on end to save money!
At night, Mom would go to bed without any underwear on. Sometimes she would remember to put the bedpad down, but most of the time she would forget. Needless to say, her mattress got ruined, her carpeting to the bathroom is ruined, the bathroom still smells like urine (she went to assisted living 4 months ago, and I have scrubbed the bathroom, trust me!). The urine is indsidious. It permeates everything.
Joanna, I also agree with Cathy that you may have to re-think the whole nursing home/assisted living thing for your Mom. You cannot live like that, and you cannot expect your fiance to live like that either. I know many people do not want to hear "put her in a home" ! But that is not what we are saying really. What we are saying is "Your mother needs a lot more help than you can give her, or more help than she will accept from you." That puts her in a bad situation.
My mom had issues with doctors too and did not like to go to them. It was her choice. Really.
Who knows, when we are in our 80's, we may not want a bazillion doctor appointments and be put on 20 medications, either. Plus, if we get dementia, what is the point of controlling the high cholesterol? I mean -really ? ! My mom's doctor had a lot of common sense. He did not see the need to put mom on a lot of medications. So that side of things really is the elderly person's choice.
However, their choices can affect your life, and that is something you have to keep in mind. If your mother makes a lot of poor choices, then in my mind, she needs a lot more help than you can provide for her.
Take care of yourself. Prayers for your mom. It will probably only get worse ???