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E-nuff4me Show full post »
Thanks for the response it really does carry a bit of comfort knowing someone else gets it. Rather ironic that just before reading your email I was sitting here watching TV thinking about the fact that I haven't called her today & if I didn't call her how the next conversation would go.. her: well, I haven't heard from u, I know I'm not important in your life, don't worry I'll be gone soon and you won't have to worry about me anymore. I could go on & on with a number of other frequented stabs she verbally sticks directly into my heart. As I grow older I must say I'm actually getting a little more resentful that she has done this to me over many years. I guess I might even say cold toward her. When she calls the tone of my voice instantly changes, w/ a tinge of irritation. And the information remark was so correct..if I slip and mention something to her that I had purposely NOT told her then it's a argument about the fact that I never told her. I pray about it..I used to pray that she would make a friend. Now I pray that I can paste on a smirk and tough it thru. Ughhh, I have lost my s*** a couple of times recently and had to reel myself back in. That was not my typical behavior.
Thx for letting me vent & for the support!
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Splotchy
They can definitely drive us to the point of snapping.  I sometimes think that's part of their disorder.  They actually feel better when we are off balance. 

They also need a way to discharge their own internal unpleasant feelings, and what better way than to blame their "horrible" daughter.  If they can create a fight, they can deposit their unpleasant internal feelings into the mix of the external chaos and never have to own them.   Picking a fight with us gives them an external reason why they feel bad, and they never have to admit they are just internally sad or lonely or afraid or depressed or ashamed.  If it's all on "us", they never have to change.

As far as your next conversation, you can almost count on the fact that she will be annoyed (unless she has found some other source to fill up her empty tank in your absence.)    Expecting it will take some of the sting out of it.  My mother has said all kinds of horrible things to me due to my "sin" of not calling enough, including...that the daughter she miscarried would have been a better daughter than me...that I am out of the will...that my dead father would be ashamed of how I treat her....that I am not allowed to come to her funeral....that I am a horrible daughter.

It used to bother me.  It used to bother me a lot.  Now I realize that she is ill.  A healthy mother would never talk to her child that way.  Since her illness is toxic to me, though, I need to protect myself.

These days, I have boundaries that more or less work for me. She still tries to force me to become her victim, but I try to avoid being one whenever I can.  It makes me a bad guy in some peoples' eyes, but I know the truth. I do what I can for her, but I will no longer sacrifice my sanity.

A few years ago, my mom overdosed on pain killers on her front lawn and had to spend weeks at the hospital being detoxed. Do you know who sat with her at the hospital for days on end while she went through that unpleasant process?  Do you know who watched out for her and protected her?  Her horrible daughter.

That was a big turning point in our relationship.  I saw the truth that I do what I do because of what exists inside of me.  And she does what she does because of what exists inside of her. I clearly love her, but her disorder may never let her feel the love I offer.  She does not see what I do as love, but it is precisely because I do love her that I am not going to let her jeopardize her soul by letting her destroy her own daughter.


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broken heart
Wow, that's pretty intense. I too had to put my mom in a mental facility.  But it was over a man that manipulated her, used her & spent her money. Thankfully the only addiction my mom has is cigarettes  & coffee. Roughly 3 packs a day and coffee from early am straight thru the day. She barely eats then makes sure to tell me that shes not feeling well & just happens to slip in there that she hasn't ate all day. To me those manipulative statements are ignorant due to the fact that she literally doesnt leave her house for days on end & in most cases doesnt even get out of her pajamas.  I truly believe if it weren't for fear she would take her life purely out of misery.  When she says things like that to me instantly I become agitated, angry and it changes the entire tone of the conversation.  A lot of time she wants to talk about other people with nothing but mean criticism. I'm not like that & I dont like when she starts talking about others like that.  She talks about my kids which of course instantly causes me to become defensive.  Then she gets upset and sarcastically asks me if I'm done lecturing her and calls me by my fathers name (he passed away yrs ago).  Geeze, I read these emails that I've wrote and clearly understand why I have "mommy issues". Getting ready to call her now.. wish me luck!
V ~
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Splotchy
How did it go?
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broken heart
Actually better than I had thought.  Got a bit of an attitude but I just passed right thru it. I'm home with my kids & grand kids today & it makes me sad for her becuz she could be here too.
V ~
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Splotchy
Enjoy your day!
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