Aging Parents and Elder Care logo

Support Group

Find Senior Care Services for Your Loved One

We have partnered with A Place for Mom to help you find the right senior care services for your loved one. A Place for Mom has established a nationwide network of carefully screened senior care providers and facilities ... everything from home care and assisted living to specialized memory care facilities. We are pleased to bring their referral service to you free of charge. (A Place for Mom is paid by their participating senior care providers and facilities.)

A Place for Mom has been helping seniors and their families find the best senior care for their needs and budget for over 10 years. Their knowledgeable and compassionate Senior Living Advisors will guide you through your search and can provide local support and resources. Let A Place for Mom help you online or call toll-free (877) 311-6092.

Hello, friends.
I have been steaming for a few days now.....and my top is about to blow.
For those who know the "squirrel saga", you will understand.  For those who do NOT, well, just know that I have a useless, non-helping, totally selfish sister who ran away to a foreign country, with her pet squirrels.  Said squirrels were the reason DH and I had to move away from my mom.  The 3 of us were sharing a house, and a diplomacy.  majority rules, and all that.  YADA YADA.......
sister came to visit with her 2 rodents.....and she and mom, AGAINST DH AND MY WISHES, brought the rodents into the house, despite the fact we had a 17 year old Kitty at the time.  (she has since gone to rainbow bridge.)  They knew, ABSOLUTELY, that we were against it.  Sis talked mom into it, and mom, being the totally non confrontational person that she is, went along with it.
Not only did she bring them in, (while we were out to lunch,) but called DH and me, "ignorant" in our own home!!)
Sis and I had it out next day.....have not spoken to her since. Nor will I ever. 
 Big sis seemed to understand.  How disrespectful of her.....blah blah...."when I go to cat shows, I always ask my hostess if it's ok to bring the cat in her house.....if she says no, then I respect that...."
Tension was horrid in the house.  mom was angry with DH....we (not DH and me...)  have since parted, and mom lives in next building.  Sister moved to Italy, which is good, because she would only be a bigger thorn in my side if she was anywhere near here. But, obviously no help at all with mom. Never was.  WHAT WAAAAAAAAAAS I THINKING!!!!!!!
Big sister up north is next to no help at all, and in fact, like SOOO many siblings here, offers advice and little else.  She agreed that little sis was WAY out of line to disrespect us that way.  In fact, just a few weeks ago, I thought she and i were getting "closer".  Like she really DID care.  Even told me she knew "way more about ---------- than I did" implying that little sis was ALWAYS difficult, which I already knew...but way more, and she might tell me "some day."
little sis has said horrid things to my kids, and one of the rodents even bit my daughter's finger to the bone, when sis brought him, uninvited, to T-giving dinner one year.Not so much as an apology.  I got over it, well, at least past it, and moved on.  But this totally changed everything.  My relationship with mom hasn't been the same since,either.  BUT.........every Monday I drive her to the post office so she can mail a nice newsy letter to Italy.....and we pick up her mail, from Italy and deliver it to her.....all I have EVER asked is that she not talk to me about SS. (squirrel sister.)  Pretty much she has stopped, since last time she did, I got up and walked to the door, got my keys, and said "I'm leaving now."
She (big sis) hardly ever e-mails me, NEVER calls me, (which is good because all she does is talk about her garden....) and STILL, after I have written to her many times, not asking for anything, but keeping her abreast of how mom is doing....she "talks" to me like I am some dumb b**ch who doesn't have a clue.
WElllllll, this is why I am steaming.
Three days ago, I got an e-mail.....all the pictures of Finnegan, the squirrel. And the dog who loved him.
You can GOOGLE Finnegan and read all about it.  I have checked ALL the stories.  Nice enough.  I am glad there are people who live animals.  I do.  But, I wouldn't choose one over a family member, well, not in the old days.....NOW??  Totally different story.
SO, she sends me a link, to one of her cat friends, and all the pictures of the squirrel and the puppies....
at the bottom of the page, she writes,

"wouldn't it be nice if we could all just get along?"
I have not replied to her yet, and I probably won't.  I don't even want to dignify it with a response.
LAST night, DH and I went to mom's for dinner.  Friday is mom's 90th B-day and we asked where she would like to go. She said she wanted coconut shrimp, and didn't Red lobster have good ones?  So, we decided to go there.
We were staying with her watching some tv when big sis called.  Typical her...........SHE says "Outback has really good coconut shrimp.  I will find one near you."  Ever solicitous, ever helpful.....
Oh vey....
This morning I get an e-mail from her, which I will also ignore as it's ALSO insulting, and she said..
"I found an Outback near you....about 6.5 miles....."
Yes, we knew it was there.....but this is what I ALWAYS get from her.  ALWAYS, sooner or later, SHE INSULTS ME, but thinks I am fer shure smart enuff to take caare ov mom.  DUH!!!  Gawd, I kin even set up meds.....replace hearing aid batteries, do laundry, roll hair, paint nails, DRIVE, (now there's a biggy....) mom wherever she needs to go....sit and wait while she is there.  How DO I manage to appear so normal when I am really so stupid???
Everything is driving me nuts this week.
No pun intended.
Mom is also a PIA.....we have told her about 6 times that we disconnected our cable for the summer, as it not only saves us $90 a month, but it will get us OUTSIDE, and walking and swimming.  But, when sis called her last night, mom told her we were there watching American Idol finale.  After mom came back into the living room, talking while the program was on, (and we ignored her 'til the commercial,) she asked.... AGAIN....."you have no tv?  did you take the box back?  why no tv?"  DH said, ''BECAUSE, MINE IS THE ONLY INCOME AND WE CAN'T AFFORD IT". He didn't really yell, just emphasized...
  That's true.  I have not been working since my open heart surgery 14 months ago.  PLUS..
We now have 2 car payments, since mom totalled the car that was pretty much all paid off.
When I got this morning's e-mail about "Outback" I forwarded to DH at work.  He wrote back,
"...guess you're a baby sister AND a baby daughter."
I do NOT know what I would do without his love and support.
I also don't know what I would do if I couldn't come here and vent.
I don't have it nearly as bad as a lot of you, but I have been told that it's fine....write whatever you need to write.......and everyone is right.  We all have our tolerance levels.
A better bunch of people never existed.
I hate hate hate this job.  We should have stayed in California.  We moved there mainly to get away from the mom/little sis games (down SO. Fla).......only came back 'cause of DH's retirement.  Couldn't lose that!!  NO WAY!!
the best thing happened to me this morning.  I woke up.  Just 14 months ago we didn't think I might.
No family member, btw, ever asks how I am. Mom does, every morning, tho.  I don't know if she's checking in on me to see how I am, or to let me know she's still alive.  Either way, it's fine with me.  But....she never asks how am I really feeling, because she is to the point where everything is too much trouble.  Everything is huge *SIGH* worthy.  O, put me on an ice floe before I get that way.
~ k ~
Quote 0 0
and THAT, Kolleen, will be big sis's ONLY contribution to your mother's birthday: looking up where the closest Outback is!!!! And she will promptly go back to her squirrels.

There are so many self-absorbed, and yes, clueless people in the world. Some days, it seems like too many. It is hard to ignore them,especially when they are "family".

I have to tell ya, me being me, I would definitely respond in some sarcastic way to her email!! But then, I am not very well behaved at times. I usually can't resist doing the sarcastic thing (there, I have revealed a not-so-great side of my personality on this message board!!!). Well, it keeps them from emailing back though! And sometimes, it keeps them from emailing for MONTHS. The silence is wonderful. You don't need the aggravation.

The only problem is if you go to Outback you will have to listen to your mother go on and on about how great an idea it was from big sis. Better take some Tums along.

Quote 0 0
"can't we all just get along?"

I'm thinking along the lines of:

"I guess if we were squirrels and dogs, we could! Unfortunately, we are humans. And with humans, at times, there is self absorption, cluelessness, and even some insanity too."


Quote 0 0
Hi daughter,

It is the LITTLE sister in Italy with the squirrels.  The one I don't speak to.

The BIG sis up north is the one who knows everything, and "found" Outback.

My problem isn't really mom......she would never go on and on about how great either sis is......I think she knows better than to do that.

We will go to Red Lobster, as it is our treat, and Outback is about three times more money, I think. 

You're probably right about that being to only present, tho.  I said to DH if she sooooooooo wants mom to go to Outback, she could send the $$$$ difference.

Sis says she is still waiting for mom's present to come.  Guess she must've ordered something.  Betcha it'll come around Christmas. 

Believe me, I am not timid anymore.  Ever since all the BS with the rodents.....I can pretty much tell mom like it is.  But, bear in mind, she is a very sweet (really and truly) old lady, who would rather eat squirrel stew than argue about anything.  HOWEVER, that also has evolved into not DISCUSSING anything, either.

FUN.....everyday a new game. 

How's your day going?

~ k ~

Quote 0 0
I am on the floor laughing.....hey girl, here is the title of a new book....

Squirrels, Siblings, and Sagas, Oh My!

Thanks for sharing.....that kind of junk still continues with my five ex-siblings...(Oh MY!)...

Ignoring them works the best, I have discovered.....Not perfect, cuz they still push the buttons......but just pretend they are not there.

Good luck!


Quote 0 0
Hi Molly,
At least your ex-siblings don't pretend to give a flying fig.  My big sis always signs EVERYTHING, jokes, train pics, animal links, with XO.  Then she still treats me (us, DH and me, this way?)  Sad.
I hope you didn't hurt yourself ROFL.....
thanks for the reply.....
~ k ~
Quote 0 0

I would have sent an email back to your older sister, saying, "OH SIS>>>>>how NIIIIIIIIIIIICE of you to direct me like that, since I have no native intelligence of my own. Since YOU WERE SO HELPFUL, I thought I'd HELLP YouUUUUU tuuuuuuu"......then include the directions to the Outback restaurant nearest HER, and tell her that since she is so brilliant, maybe she should pick up her mother and take her to her OWN Outback instead.....since you are so incompetent and all. And also keep her at HER house for about six months, too.

Quote 0 0
Mary E.
Oh, Kolleen,

That's more frustration than you need.  How helpful of your sister to choose where you and your husband take your mother!  If she offered to pay for the three meals, it wouldn't seem so intrusive.

Well, have a good dinner at Red Lobster!  Yum, sounds good.  (The coconut shrimp, NOT the squirrel stew.)

Quote 0 0
 Kolleen---Your story---is exactly why I don't even bother with my Sibs---Irritating as H____---and I am much happier without all the Drama!! And ---Yes---everything will always be my Fault!! I accept that now----and don't want to hear about any of it anymore!!
Rant all you want---They do so deserve it!!  They pretend to care---(which they do NOT)!!! They just want ammo---so they can have a Gab Fest----and feel good about what they don't want to do for their parent!!
OH Well--I don't want to get started myself----it would be an ever, never, ending story!!LOL

Quote 0 0
michelle with nmom
hey Kolleen:

A special card for little sis:
Squirrels.jpg Squirrels image by jesusbeliever777


and one for big sis:

loudmouth.gif Loud Mouth image by vampires_death_dealer 

hang in there Kolleen......

michelle with nmom
Quote 0 0

Thump thump! Was that something crunchy under my tires?

(Don't shoot! Animal lover here, but couldn't resist! LOLOLOL)

Quote 0 0
Kolleen, That is so funny. And Michelle, I love the sign.
You have to ignore her. Have to. She sounds like a control freak. And you know those kind of people, when they feel guilty or helpless about something, they try to control everyone and everything- like the world couldn't rotate without them. I know this very well, because my dear sis is just like that- I've had a lifetime of experience. My sister tried to tell me who to marry, where to live....and it didn't stop until I stopped talking to her so much. Now, I just go "uuhhh huuuhh." in a way that says "whatever- talk to the hand"

another thought, just a thought, do you think she may have been trying to reach out to you and doesn't really know how? It may be a way for her to be involved and feel connected? Just a thought.
Quote 0 0
Your story was funny, but how sad that your sister is so self obsessed and squirrel infatuated! She probably thought she was going out of her way to make nice by googling the nearest Outback for you! The squirrels have obviously eaten her brain!
Hang in there, Kolleen and don't let squirrel sister make you nuts!

Quote 0 0
Thanks guys, for all of your responses.
However, the sister with the squirrels is NOT the one who is the "know-it-all".  Squirrels are in ITALY.  I don't have anything to do with her.
It's the sister up north that is the know-it-all" that Googled Outback.
She also is the one who sent me the CR AP about "Finnegan". Knowing FULL well how upset I still am about all of that when DH and I loved in the same house as mom.
It would NOT be possible to have her take mom to Outback, BUT.......BUT..........she COULD send a "gift certificate" which she NEVER will.  That way she would be ensured that mom would get her "Bloomin' effing onion", too. 
Michelle with nmom,
I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!!!!    Where can I find that......I would LOVE to send it to sis up north.
I would love to send it to SS also, but she never could figure out how to operate a I wouldn't anyway, but boy would I like to.
I really didn't mean for this to be a funny thread.  It's not about the squirrels....substitute's about the total disrespect for DH and me, and how we are the only ones who do squat for mom.  And the stress it has caused the two of us and still does, to a degree.  But when I feel that North sis is "rubbing it in"  I get very upset.  Plus, the "I can do anything better than you can, I can do anything better than you". (insert music here>>>
NOW........what I DID mean to be a funny thread was the one about Mom killing the snake.  THAT was hysterical.
~ k ~
Quote 0 0

Sorry if I offended you, Kollen. By the time I read through the thread, the kritter story became kinda funny. I didn't take your situation with your other sister lightly and understand that those tactics are not funny whatsoever. But, please except posts as posts of encouragement. If there is something we find funny, it doesn't mean we take your situation lightly. It's meant to be pure support.

Quote 0 0