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royalcare
Tell me how???
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Deborah
I do this because I can't stand the thought of my Mother-in-law being in a nursing facility. I love her dearly. Does she stress me? Yes, she does, but I don't want her feeling unwanted and unloved.

I had promised my grandmother that she wouldn't go to a nursing facility, and didn't get to keep that promise. Her son put her in one. I didn't have a say in that. I do have a say in my MIL. She will not go there. I know there are good ones, and there are some bad ones.
Deborah
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Donna2143
I have to be able to live with myself. My mom is a narcissist and no maternal gene but i can't let her be homeless.
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Donna2143
It would have helped if my mom had not blown her inheritance and now has no money. It would have helped if she had tried to have relationships with her children and grandchildren. No one except me us incluned to help. I am pissed. If they put hed in she could go to assisted living instead of having no where to go.
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Mike Gamble
First, assisted living facilities, including memory care facilities, are not as expensive as you might think. To find out more, check out our Assisted Living page.

Second, there are a surprising number of financial assistance programs available in addition to Medicaid. Check out our free 22-page eBook, Where to Find Money for In-Home Care.
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Sean&Kelly
I do it because I do not want my MIL to spend out her most vulnerable years in a home surrounded by people who do not love her.  Its hard.  Its tiring. It just may be the most overwhelming thing we've had to do. 

And then I think.. She raised the my husband.  Her hands held him. She taught him to be wonderful. She may be a demanding old grumpy bird now.. but at one time she did something great.. and I want to repay her that.

I'm a sap.
Kelly Keating
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Terpin
Donna2143 wrote:
I have to be able to live with myself. My mom is a narcissist and no maternal gene but i can't let her be homeless.


i know my narcissist mother has absolutely no empathy towards me, but heaven help I reflect the same feelings back at her. I have done a lot of therapy to get myself better, but being involved with them is so toxic - I feel like I'm being dragged down the path of co- dependency again, my boundaries are tested constantly.

Intstead of the word "NO" I use the word "NEXT MONTH". Seems to work, then she forgets the next day - in fact the loss of memory is a real gift to me. No matter how angry or nasty she is, she completely forgets it all the next day.
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Unregistered
If you are a Christian and you read the Bible then you will know that God commands us to take care of the widow. Your mother, brought you into this world and she sat up with you throughout the night on nights you were sick. She got up how many times during the night to feed you during your first few months of life? She gave up her free time to spend with you when you were unable to care for yourself. I am 62 years old and am taking care of my aging parent. I am also a nurse in long term care. I have seen and heard it all. My siblings give me no help, they have walked away. My mother and I sing, "You and Me Against The World" quit frequently. I do not want my mother in long term care if I can avoid it. As long as she is able to remain in my home safely, then that is where she will remain. Yes, I get burnt out. Just remember there may be a time when you are unable to care for yourself and feel all alone and helpless and may need someone close to you to help you live out the end of your life with dignity. I saw my grandmother and her siblings care for their mother at the end of her life, my mother and her siblings cared for my grandmother at the end of her life, I am following pursuit, not because I am brainwashed, but because I love and care for the elderly and I am not far behind them. It is not easy, I have given up a lot of fun with friends to care for my mother. There is a thing called respite, you can place your loved one in a nursing facility for respite care for short period of time to give yourself a break. Even though I work in long term care, I can only imagine what these residents are thinking as they reflect on their past and wait upon loved ones to come and visit and what they are missing out on because they no longer are able to participate in daily life with their families. I can take the time to listen to them talk about their feelings and encourage them and direct them to resources for emotional support
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StrongMaple
I do it because I love my Dad unconditionally.
I was influenced by my Grandparents who looked after their parents.
I was so influenced I went into the care aid field for my career. In my jobs I saw lost souls who didn't have family or families not willing to stick by them.
My Dads not perfect but I could never abandon him.

In the end I will have no regrets as I did my best and stuck it through and did everything I could. I went through it all with him and processed the emotions as I went. I will not feel guilt or remorse.

I will stand proud that I tried and did my best. I am a stronger person because of this.

It's a roller coaster ride but it helps us to grow and learn and be strong people.
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StrongMaple
Today, I have no idea. I have no idea what I'm doing! What a roller coaster.
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I’m new to this site, looking to talk to anyone that will remotely understand how *I* feel.

I am (now) an only daughter to my parents, two brothers that both work, one being better then the other. I am a single mother, dealing with two difficult son’s; one with issues. My mother lives in my state, father and stepmother live in another, and feeling sooo many mixed feeling over:
I can do more, I don’t want to do more then guilty for feeling this way, feel alone in watching my mother in chronic heart failure at now 88 years old. Realizing this, I also feel she has been in places lacking good care due to Medicare/Medicaid. Wishing I could do more financially, and yet I watch her slowly leave this earth with poor care due to insurance. I feel angry that money is given to the welfare system, and yet seniors get poor care, not being able to go out with dignity. I know I sound angry, crazy? To this point maybe I am! I’m hurt, angry, disappointed in many things, angry at myself for not being able to do more. Why is it, that *we* the *childern* are never talked about? How we are doing with the slow load of our parent/s, the gult, etc. and yet you love them sooo much, it effects your life outside of them.

Any thoughts? Can anyone out there relate?

T
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pam120800
May I add my anger that my sister has two houses, free and clear, paid for with my parents' money while my mother lives in my house and my husband and I have to pay for all of her support because my sister swindled then out of over $360k and I can't do anything about it without shelling out $50+ to a lawyer? I can't get the police to take a report or a county to prosecute. This isn't fair. To add to that, I have absolutely no help with Mom's care while trying to work from home full-time so we can pay the bills. I'm exhausted and frustrated and tired of my heart breaking every time Mom says she wants to go "home". She thinks is she goes "home", my thieving sister will take care of her. Mom refuses to use her walker or compression stockings. She obviously falls, so I'm constantly scared to death the evil sister will accuse me of abuse. I wonder if I should've just pretended like I knew nothing was happening and just left her with the thief. To top all of this off, there's a 50% chance I have breast cancer. With the way things are going, I'm sure I won't be in the good 50%. Maybe cancer is a blessing in disguise and it will kill me.
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Anonymous
I feel the same way. Mybrother and sister have never helped. It always been up to me. I'm sure they will be right over when my 89year old father dies with their hands out for their part of the inheritance, and that will be the only time they put themselves out or move quickly towards my dad.

It's killing me.  My dad is obnoxious, unfair, demanding, accusatory, plain mean to me. I work full time, have three kids, two dogs, a cat and a husband but he expects me to spend every waking minute when not sleeping doing his bidding and going to his home.  He refuses to live in assisted care so hes in his own condo but I have to spend every night after work at his house. I get home, go to bed, get up work and got to his house. If i miss a day because my daughter invites me over for supper I have hell to pay. I get accused of stealing stuff, complaints about not doing his bidding quick as he would like. I know this man will outlive me.  I've been treated for clinical deppression and had it under control...no more.  I've been through three cancer operations and a broken back but I have no time for self care. I also suffer for exhaustion...does he care...nope. Its all about him. He does not have dementia, and can still drive and walk independently. All he does is tells me to leave my husband, move in with him and take care of him.  If he says it again I'm going to literally run screaming from the room.  How do you do it? how do you survive???  I just don't know how to survive it. Help me
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